Let me through - ah’m a doctor. Weel, practically...

Says she tae me: “Mr Harris. The files say you were looking for an appointment? Well, there’s now one available on Tuesday morning.”

Ah replied, politely: “That’s very kind o’ ye but no thanks. Mah nappy-rash hus cleared up....”

Weel, glad tidings fur youse o’ you clamouring at the surgery doors fur an audience wae wan o’ oor shrinking number o’ rural GPs; reinforcements huv arrived in the form o’ yours truly. Yes; I am noo a fully-qualified doctor!

Weel, sorta....

Regular readers will mind ah threw an extended sickie last year. Weel, it wisnae time wasted as, being a man o’ action, ah planked mah bahookie oan the sofa, daein’ hee-haw apart frae watching the telly fur four months. Ah, it fair took me back tae mah student days...

Onyway, wae all yon medical shows oan the box, day in, day oot, ah emerged wae enough clinical knowledge tae make the Queen’s Surgeon-Royal look like a cheap quack.

Noo’ this widnae huv happened in mah yooth, wae jist Dr Findlay’s Casebook, Emergency Ward 10 and Dr. Kildare oan offer tae satisfy yir lust fur things medical.

Nooadays, however, whit a choice!

Oan wan single day last week we hud - sook in a deep breath here - Doctors, Holby City, Surgeons: at the Edge of Life; Double Mastectomy Twins, Dissected: the Incredible Human Hand, Operation Live, Quincy, `Classic’ Holby City, 24 Hours in A&E, Emergency 991, 999 What’s Your Emergency?, 999 On the Front Line, Paramedics, Air Ambulance ER, Diagnosis Murder, ER, GPs: Behind Closed Doors, Nurses Who Kill, My Extreme Weight Loss Journey, Paramedics, Grey’s Anatomy, Inside the Ambulance and Bones. And exhale....

(If ye dinnae trust me - and I widnae - jist look at the Radio Times fur April 9.)

There isnae even ony sanctuary tae be hud in the political channels; yon same day oan the BBC Parliament Channel we hud debates oan “NHS Long-term Plan” and “Health and Social Care”. (Mind you, while keeking at yon channel’s ither listings, ah wis left wunnering whaur oor overworked MPs foond the spare time tae spend two whole hours jawing aboot “Japanese Knotweed”!)

Come tae think o’ it, ah micht no’ use mah new-foond medical skills oan the public; the Gazette needs a’ the readers it can get.

Ah mean, think o’ a poor wumman going intae labour oan Carluke High Street and ah barge intae the crowd surrounding her, shouting: “Let me through! Let me through!”

When wan o’ the crowd asks me: “Ur you a doctor?” ah’ll just reply; “Naw. But ah’ve watched the WHOLE boxset o’ “Call the Midwife”!

PS: It micht be nothing but ah noticed the coincidence of Windsor Castle, the Glescae School o’ Art (twice) and noo Notre Dame Cathedral all catching fire during “restoration”.

A see the Hoose o’ Commons is huving a big refurbishment soon. Fingers crossed - that there nae mishaps, of course!

PSS: Twa stoatirs tae add tae oor growing collection o’ London Press Officers Wae Glakit Names. This week we welcome tae the Gazzy’s Hall o’ Fame two new members, Sasha Shackell-York and Arabella Halfhide-Rooster.