PERHAPS it’s just me being twist’d, but ah suspect some folks oot there are in cahoots wae each other....
Okay; perhaps it WAS just a coincidence that National Butchers’ Week coincided nicely wae the publication o’ wan o’ yon scaremongering reports, claiming tae prove that eating just wan ready meal – or ONY processed food – wance a month means you’ll drap deid at the age o’ 28.
Och, it’s probably just paranoia oan mah pairt and, tae be fair, you’d be hard put these days tae dae onything that DIDNAE coincide wae the International Day o’ This or National Week o’ That or something or another.
Ah mean, let’s take a wee donner together doon the calendar and see which o’ the following we even KNEW aboot.
In January, ah obviously missed Portuguese Pavement Day (nae kiddin’) because mah attention was fixed oan no’ steppin in the dugs’ glaur oan oor footpaths here in Lanark; ah didnae even ken aboot The International Day of Silence because the organisers kept awfy quiet aboot it; and somewan obviously got their timing wrang haudin’ National Reading Day two days BEFORE National Literacy Day!
In February ah missed National Toothache Day ‘cause ah was too doon in the mooth; and ah ignored International Mother Language Day ‘cause mah maw disnae use sweary words onyway; as for National Thinking Day, it must have just gone right oot o’ mah heid.
In March ah didnae mark National Kidney Month ‘cause ah kidnae be bothered and, as fur National Nutrition Day, ah was too fed up tae care.
Ah wid have celebrated Supply Management Week but the organisers forget tae send me the paperwork. Did ah miss National Problem Gambling Week? You BET ah did. In April they said thoosands took part in National Physiotherapy Week but ah suspect they’ve massaged the figures; as fur Poetry Month, weel, ah couldnae see ony rhyme or reason tae it.
In May ah gave Foot Health Awareness Day the boot and ah was deaf tae appeals tae take part in Hearing Awareness Month; National Sun Awareness Week sounded dull; ah wanted tae go to the National Midwives Day parade but ah couldnae get oot.
In June, World Whisky Day was just a blur and World No-Tobacco Day went up in smoke; PSTD Awareness Month was a wash-oot ‘cause ah STILL dinnae ken whit PSTD is; and oan World Refugee Day ah was away frae mah hame.
In July ah just huvnae a clue where Amelia Earhart Day disappeared tae and ah ignored Esperanto Day because ah only drink instant coffee.
In August even World Mosquito Day didnae sting me intae action and World Rubber Day was erased frae mah memory; in September ah stayed hame for World Tourism Day and was too lazy tae celebrate World Labour Day; in October mah Good Lady Editor widnae gie me National Good Boss Day off.
Ah asked her for November’s National Menopausal Day holiday but she just screamed and punched me. When ah asked away in December for International Children’s Day, she just telt me tae graw up.
Whit dae you mean: “You missed oot Lanimer Day, Ron!”
Ah might be glakit but ah’m no’ suicidal. Yet.